Five Simple Ways to Have a Conversation with a Teen When You Quit

Editor’s note: Michelle Icard is the author of “Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen“A Guide to Essential Conversations with Young Teens. She is an author, speaker, and parent educator.

(CNN) – Your teenage kids used to think you were funny. And interesting. And useful. They even asked you for advice or help in solving problems.

Now they think TikTokers covered in shaving cream are interesting and fun (“you wouldn’t get it”) and they turn to YouTubers for all the answers to life’s toughest questions.

This is normal, and it happens to other parents. But what happens in early adolescence that parents suddenly seem so unrelated? And what can be done to shorten that distance and stay connected?

Communication breakdown

The first phase of adolescence is marked by the new desires of the preadolescents to individuate themselves, or to find out what they think and who they are apart from their parents, according to the Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development.

Since adolescence lasts from ages 10 to 19, according to the World Health Organization, you may notice that your child begins to move away from the age of 10. (It’s also how long you can expect this estrangement to last.) Communication between the two is one of the first things to deteriorate.

After all, language is a tool that serves to unite groups of people. It is logical that, as adolescents begin the process of breaking ties, they no longer speak with their parents in the same way, with the same intimacy or with the same frequency.

Pleasant chatter is replaced by grunts, rolling eyes, and new jargon meant to put distance.

Does this mean that we should shut up and wait for our children to speak again when they are ready? No.

It means that adults have to change the way we talk to adolescents to better adapt to their new phase of development. By learning to communicate better with teens, we will improve our chances of staying connected, keeping them safe, and enjoying each other’s company.

What works when it comes to improving communication with our tweens and teens? Here are five effective things you can try:

1. Normalize your child’s feelings

In times of conflict or misunderstanding, start by normalizing your child’s feelings, no matter how strange, or even wrong, they may seem.

This may sound like: “You seem to be very upset that I asked you to clean your room. I understand. This has probably caught you off guard. It is normal for you to feel upset when you don’t want to work. I’ll give you 30 minutes to relax and then you will come to see me so we can make a plan to move forward with the things in the room. “

Why is it important to normalize? Do you run the risk of raising a conceited brat if you do this? No.

Think that your son is going through what I call “the construction project of the secondary school“In which you are building a new body, a new brain, and a new identity all at the same time. The tweens I’ve worked with for the past 15 years tell me that all they want is to feel normal; understandably, given all the changes they are experiencing.

When you normalize a child’s feelings as a parent, teacher, coach, or mentor, it’s a good way to dispel their defensiveness and open the door to more productive communication.

2. Prevent emotions from showing on your face

He speaks without any expression on his face. Yes, it seems crazy, impossible even. But it can be done with practice, and it offers a great reward.

Keeping your expression neutral is the key to improving conversations, because teens and adults they use different parts of the brain to read facial expressions. Preteens and teens tend to turn to the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, more than adults when it comes to figuring out how someone else is feeling. They may misinterpret your expression as angry when you don’t feel angry at all. Imagine that you ask your son,

“How did your math test go?” and he storms off saying, “Ugh, why are you so mad? We don’t have the grades yet.”

Does it look familiar to you? If young people misunderstand your feelings, the conversation can end quickly.

Instead, adopt what I call a “botox eyebrow“.

Simply put, imagine you are a celebrity on a late night talk show who has put on so much botox that you can’t move your forehead. You will be surprised how appearing neutral, regardless of how you really feel, opens the door to more frequent and in-depth conversations with your preteen or teen.

3. Avoid direct conversations

It may seem counterintuitive, but sometimes the best way to stay close is to experiment with new ways of communicating together: text messages, Snapchats, a shared journal, voice recordings, and even hiding doodles around the house can be an invitation to stay connected that your child can accept.

Remember that today there are many ways to “talk”, so take advantage of technology or other means and be creative.

4. Become your child’s “assistant director”

Your teenager needs to develop the skills necessary to make sound judgments and solve problems independently. They cannot do it without the opportunity to practice a lot.

If you micromanage your preteen or teen, he will walk away so he can create opportunities to practice without your oversight or intervention.

Instead of micromanaging, enforcing how and when homework is done, supervising play dates, or interfering with teachers, it’s time to move on to being an assistant principal.

To do this, think of the worst boss you have ever had. Why was it so bad? Was he too excited, was he too controlling, was he never present, or was he passive-aggressive?

Make a list of the worst qualities you could find in a manager and reverse that list – now you have a good job description for your assistant manager position.

5. Don’t forget to have fun!

Do not complicate yourself. When your child starts to walk away, it can be tempting to resort to demands or get into emotional debates to try to get things back to the way they were. Remind yourself, from time to time, that you must stop being the boss and that you must enjoy being the boss.

That can mean leaning on the things they like. Yes, even blue hair dye. Anime plots that clumsy the mind. The Roblox economy. Learning new and elaborate TikTok dances.

You really won’t be bored to death (you just feel like doing it sometimes). But when you go back to playing with your child what he likes now and not what you remember or expect him to play, you will restore his confidence.

That is always a gateway to better conversations.