Benjo Podlech, psychologist and expert coach in masculinity: “Masculine energy is confused with patriarchy”

We interviewed Benjo Podlech, psychologist and expert coach in masculinity For a decade Podlech has been accompanying men to recover harmony with their masculine energy wounded by patriarchy“A man who opens up, as in the case of Federer and Nadal, is also a message to society: there are more colors occurring in men”, he assures. A good example to understand what is that of the true masculine energy that the psychologist and coach Benjo Podlech talks about so much, is the scene that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal recently starred in: Two of the greatest tennis players in history, shook hands and wept together at Federer’s farewell to professional tennis. His feelings were exposed to the eyes of millions of people, giving us a lesson in authentic masculinity. “Ah, this is finally being shown!” Podlech thought when he saw those images. ‘This’ is perhaps too simple a way of referring to what this expert coach in masculine energy has spent nine years exploring, researching and working with groups of men whom he accompanies in the process of deconstruction of patriarchal masculinity, which generates so much discomfort and suffering. Podlech is convinced that many of the psychological difficulties of men, whose suicide rate triples that of women, has to do with this disharmony of men with their true masculine energy. If Podlech can boast of anything, it is having been in front of a group of 30 ordinary men who put aside stereotypes, shame and the fear of being vulnerable and open their hearts. From these experiences, from those group work spaces, Podlech has drawn his conclusions about the true masculine energy: “I have found pearls of what is masculine”, he says. “I did not know that masculine energy was so kind!, I did not know that tenderness was related to masculine energy! I did not know that flexibility was also masculine energy!”, say some of his students. The main social obstacle that we found to this expansion and expression of what masculine energy means, explains Podlech, is that it is not the same as patriarchy, but they are still used as synonyms. Patriarchy, he points out, “is a program that distorted this masculine energy and has to do with manipulation, control, competitiveness and hierarchy. It is a way of thinking, it is a program that they put in us 5,000 years ago that affects our way of relating between women and men affects our way of working, gender roles, our relationship with nature, it even affects our way of loving.” Opening up to the vulnerability of masculine energy is a very rebellious act: a vulnerable man is cleaning up what no man in his lineage has done before (Benjo Podlech, expert masculinity coach) that it is necessary to explore masculinity?Answer: There is an answer from less to more: from the most scientific to the most spiritual.This division of woman and man has been ancient in the history of humanity and also the way of describing the roles of women and men -what belongs to the feminine nature, and what belongs to the masculine nature- to the point that we have believed everything that we have been told at the level of education, culture and society. When I talk about exploring, I mean getting out of what we have been told, and going on your own and your experience, seeking your answers about what it means to be a man or masculine energy. It is when, from the maps that have been put into us, from the conceptions that we have made when we were children and adolescents and adults, and we say: “wait, why do I say yes to something that I have not experienced? Why do I agree with something that I have not even been able to experience on my own and draw my conclusions?” Q: I know that you have been exploring for a long time… What have you discovered about masculine energy? I have been told that it is masculine energy, or has very little to do with it. So what is the general definition of masculine energy? Masculine energy is something that is in women and men, that has certain characteristics such as direction, strength, presence and that is like the sun. But my exploration has shown me that those little features are only 15 or 20 percent of all the greatness, the immensity, that is in masculine energy. A: In the other 80 percent I have discovered that there is tenderness, ingenuity, purity that freaks you out, dedication, a lot of dedication, presence. And there is a unique vulnerability in masculine energy. Vulnerability is not typical of feminine energy, vulnerability is not just because my feminine side opens up, no, vulnerability has a feminine and a masculine channel and has different notes to express itself. The vulnerability of masculine energy is very available to contact, to connection, it is very intense. Opening to the vulnerability of masculine energy is a very rebellious act: A vulnerable man is clearing what no man in his lineage has done before, and that is very powerful. A man, when he opens himself to vulnerability or fragility or to feeling beyond mental control, is doing something that, in his genetics, in his epigenetics, in his biological inheritance, is not registered by the fact of being a man. So when this happens, obviously a lot of things move. The less you express what you feel, the more likely you are to get sick (Benjo Podlech, expert masculinity coach) Q: What happens when a man opens up to his vulnerability and fragility against the mandate of the patriarchy? A: I have seen what happens after: Hardly that man is going to be the same as before; it will be difficult for him to stop listening to others, he will stop cultivating himself and he will understand that all this crusade is urgent because if not, man will continue to get sick and will continue to have a suicide rate three times higher than women…because the suicide rates in the world, according to the WHO, are three times higher in men than in women. Q: This is very interesting: the psychological difficulties of men… do you think they could be due to this? I mean this inconsistency between what a man perceives to be his true masculine energy and what the patriarchal society demands of them by pure conventionalism… A: These crises occur many times in the 40s, the famous crisis of the 40s. The crisis is so brutal of meaning of life, that at the moment of reaching the crisis of the 40s, they stop giving meaning to a job that in reality they did only for money or they begin to see that they are dedicating their time simply to comply with the mold of the patriarchy. And they have such a deep crisis, almost to the point of depression because they are seeing what they have done with their lives and they see what they still have to do with their lives. That moment of crisis means that the less you express what you feel, the more likely you are to get sick; it is so 80 percent of illnesses are psychosomatic… that’s it. If you shut up, you get sick because you go against your body. And that has to be understood by the men who read this: your body gets sick if you don’t express yourself. Believe it or not, it does not matter because that is already proven. Point.P: Let’s go back for a moment to that moment of crisis, what happens to a man when he reaches this critical point of loss of meaning?A: Something collapses in them. Something can no longer continue. It’s like this over-adaptation, or this postponement of what they feel and need has already reached a limit that they can’t take anymore. And the feeling that they wasted time is very brutal. The feeling that they were deceived is very brutal and the feeling that they were not honest is even harder. Q: But from the crisis comes the transformation… A: There, in that crisis, very beautiful things happen because the opening begins inevitable to leave what you know about yourself. Something falls there…the crisis of the 40s comes, the crisis of ending relationships, a crisis because at work now, or you get fired or it stops making sense…then there they come like wounded and scared children without knowing what the hell to do with their lives with tremendous anguish. But that’s where the transformation begins. A man who opens up, as in the case of Federer and Nadal, is also a message to society: there are more colors happening in men (Benjo Podlech, expert masculinity coach) Q: When a A man discovers the importance of being able to talk about what he feels with total honesty, without fear… What happens? A: That being able to talk about what they feel has already become the basis. It is already a minimum, not a maximum. And when they go to a minimum they stop feeling like doing the same outings as 15 years ago with the same groups, because they stop making sense of them because they are more authentic. And that also happens, yes: that you stop spending time with those friends you have had for 20 years. Q: Do you think that something is already changing in men today? A: These events of the pack or these guys who are still with that program, little by little there are men who no longer normalize it. What happened a few weeks ago with Federer and Nadal holding hands and crying…it was like this is finally being shown! I’ve been working on this for nine years and now people talk about it as if it were a novelty. But there is a job behind some of us who have been in this for a long time. The point is that men are now shown like this and not just as the violent man. A man who opens up, as in the case of Federer and Nadal, is also a message to society: there are more colors happening in men. Q: Are men losing their fear of showing feelings? A: It’s more shame than fear. Watching the groups of men and taking notes of what appears to them when they open up, it’s more embarrassment than fear. Shame is related to the gaze of the other. The patriarchy did so much damage that it prevents the door to the masculine from opening (Benjo Podlech, expert masculinity coach)Q: How would we perceive a transformed man from the outside, living without that embarrassed to be vulnerable and making the best of your masculine energy? P: The look changes them. There is a calm that remains. In their relationships they begin to express what they feel, to say what they had never said. This is what happens to me in the circles and in the retreats: that I begin to see that they begin to say “I love you” to people who had never said “I love you” before; they begin to express what they feel; they talk about what they haven’t talked about in a long time. Q: Earlier you said that masculine energy is also in women… A: There is a phrase that I have heard many women say: I am too masculine. I don’t know if you’ve heard it. When they say that, I have to clarify in a very nice way that they are actually being very patriarchal and not necessarily masculine. As part of the confusion, they believe that it is an insult to be masculine. In women there is also the masculine energy and they can enter when they leave the resentment towards men or the anger towards the patriarchy, because there is a lot of resentment and a lot of anger there, a lot. Thus, we are hardly going to be able to open the door to the male that I am describing to you now. The patriarchy did so much damage that it prevents the door to the masculine from opening. Q: At a time of so much gender violence, do we need to regain confidence in masculine energy? A: I think it is key and urgent to work on that mistrust. But let’s get a little more open-minded and say that we both have things to unite in order to build trust. I, for my part, am taking care of as many men as I can.