(CNN) – The pressure to stand out haunts us all.
Even if we don’t really want that job, that body, that car, that trip or that kitchen, we are aware of the attention that those who have them receive, on Instagram, TikTok and even in real life. And we may feel bad about not having them. Even during a pandemic.
No matter the structural inequalities that make such acquisitions impossible for so many or the fact that the value system behind such desires may be questionable, we continue to yearn for more.
Often times, we want what we think we should want, and that distracts us from figuring out what we really want when we are free from outside influences.
Although this pressure does not discriminate by age, it is especially strong in the minds of adolescents and young people. When you are supposed to be discovering everything and living the best years of your life, the inner voice that reminds you that you are not enough tends to get very strong.
Rainesford Stauffer explores in his book what it means to be “ordinary.” He says that “the ordinary is what makes you feel fulfilled and what comforts you.”
Rainesford Stauffer encourages young adults to rethink their definition of “enough” in his new book, “An Ordinary Age: Finding Your Way in a World That Expects Exceptional.” CNN spoke with Stauffer about embracing the ordinary, why it’s so important, and the external factors that can get in the way.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
CNN: In your book, you encourage young adults to embrace the ordinary. What do you mean by “ordinary”?
Rainesford Stauffer: “Ordinary” and “extraordinary” will be different for each person. It’s about how we feel. The ordinary is what makes you feel fulfilled and what gives you comfort, rather than what you think you should pursue or seek. It’s about feeling good enough about who you are, rather than living in a state of constant optimization or self-improvement. “
Stauffer likes to take long walks: it is just one of the “ordinary” ways in which he brings substance to his life. What could be yours?
CNN: What’s ordinary to you?
Stauffer: They are the actions that add substance to my life, such as taking walks, long conversations on the phone with friends, and baking.
CNN: How do we find our routine?
Stauffer: You have to do the hard work of sitting down with yourself and realizing that you are enough just the way you are, instead of looking outward and learning what it is that you are supposed to pursue and find out.
CNN: How did the ordinary go out of style?
Stauffer: The everyday and a slower pace do not fit in a society rooted in individualism and competition, as our society is increasingly. Everyone experiences pressure to be better than whoever they are. This pressure to “be better” affects everyone, but the circumstances in which it affects them can vary depending on their economic and social status.
I spoke with dozens of people in America, and individualism showed up in almost every conversation I had with young adults. It wasn’t just that they wanted to stand out, but that feeling that they had to fend for themselves. They felt guilty for feeling alone and believed that they should be able to do everything by themselves, which is more difficult than ever.
I spoke with many young people who are struggling to meet their basic needs, which are not just a matter of young people, far from it. They face a lack of living wages, a lack of physical and mental health care, the cost of higher education and working in various jobs while still studying, and it is never enough.
Stauffer exhorts people to take the time to “just be”, free from the constant search for improvement and conquest of the next goal.
CNN: What are you missing now that being ordinary is so difficult, be it for personal reasons, structural reasons, or both?
Stauffer: The idea of simply being is really important. We have so little opportunity to be simply, and this begins when we are young children and continues throughout our lives. We are always supposed to optimize, improve, always think about what we are going to do next.
Growth is an important part of life, but so is valuing the people we are right now. This is clearly seen in the young adults I spoke to. They want to have room to make mistakes, to doubt themselves and to breathe.
CNN: And what would you say to those who say they want to dream big?
Stauffer: Ordinariness doesn’t have to preclude having big dreams and a vision for life. Considering the value of your “good enough” self or selves can help us target the real needs and desires that we have. We simply need the space and resources to make this happen.
CNN: Is this a very US-centric problem, or do you see it across cultures?
Stauffer: I interviewed people who had lived in other places or who did not speak from an American perspective. What I heard is that the control of capitalism in America, in particular, and the obsession of Western cultures with personal success and individual achievement, are important factors.
Sometimes it seems that this becomes a spiral of inordinate self-confidence that tells us that we have to do it all alone and that achieving some form of greatness is the only way to make sense.
CNN: How can we prevent “being enough” from being another search for something better? What is a simple practice that helps us relax and be, instead of doing?
Stauffer: I think the difficult thing is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
First of all, when I was writing the book, I heard from a lot of people who wanted us to talk about this more openly. If we can assume that our friends and communities are enough, perhaps we can extend that same grace and patience to ourselves. But that cannot happen if we think that we are the only ones who feel this way.
Second, I have found that delving into the big questions is enlightening: What is it that makes me feel safe, happy, or fulfilled, rather than what I am supposed to do? What makes sense to me right now? They seem like superficial questions, but when you dig into them, they can be incredibly revealing. It’s about extending compassion to yourself.
Your professional goals: Are they really yours or are they what you think society expects of you?
CNN: Is there any research to support that we can be more satisfied as people if we are not chasing an impossible dream?
Stauffer: I want to highlight the work of Dr. Erin A. Cech on the ‘principle of passion’, which I quote in the book. The principle of passion is explained as the expression of oneself that is the force that guides professional decisions. It’s what we’re all supposed to aspire to, right?
But some of Cech’s research points out that the passion principle can neutralize criticism of our work structure, which means that we may be less inclined to demand more leisure time or fewer work hours because we see it as “pursuing our passion. Even if conditions are bad.
Other investigation The one that comes to mind is the one I quote in the book on young adults and leisure activities. Often, we see “finding ourselves” or discovering our path as something related to work and big dreams, or the goals we want to achieve.
But this research suggests that leisure, defined here as free time and things done for fun, can help us navigate identity development, new experiences and relationships, and commitments to things that we find fun or satisfying. . Therefore, it is not only those wildest dreams that help us grow. They are also the little experiences.
CNN: Could the pandemic help accelerate our acceptance of the ordinary?
Stauffer: With the pandemic, it was interesting to see what we turned to and what we looked for when many of the circumstances of our lives were altered and structural inequalities were exposed. In the midst of this struggle to meet basic needs, with so much chaos, pain, loss, and trauma, most of us don’t look for the shiny things called “aspirational.”
We approach ordinary things. We look for families and communities. We care about others.
Stauffer urges people not to always go down the road alone and to remember how important friendships and relationships are to fulfillment.
CNN: In your book, you encourage young adults not to forget relationships in their process of self-discovery.
Stauffer: There is something so undervalued about personal growth in relation to the people and communities that matter to us. There is the idea that I have to find out everything about myself first, and that I am going to know myself deeply and have everything under control, and only then can I really open up to other people, be it in a friendship, in a larger community, in a relationship romantic or some combination of these things.
Personal autonomy is important for development, but somehow we have forgotten the other side of the coin. Needing people and needing support are not character flaws. They are deeply ordinary things that keep us going and, in many cases, reveal new parts of ourselves that help us become who we are.
CNN: What do you recommend for parents of tweens and teens to teach their children the importance of being ordinary?
Stauffer: Not all questions asked of a teenager or preteen have to be future-oriented. It’s fun to hear about their goals and dreams, but it can also make them feel like their worth depends entirely on their future. Ask them what they are passionate about, what makes them curious, and what stresses them. We all want to be seen or celebrated for who we are right now.